“CASTURING MOTHER” – MONSTER OR VICTIM?
In modern society there is an opinion that there are simply no strong, “real” men. They either died out as a species, or have already been taken apart by other women. Psychologists point to the infantility of men, their inability to cope with the adult role. Men refuse to take responsibility for relationships, are afraid to create families and become fathers, do not want to get acquainted and take the initiative in communicating with the opposite sex, in the end they are afraid to “pick up a member” and use it for its intended purpose. It would seem that everything is obvious, and women have nothing to do with it. But this does not happen. Let’s see what the role of women is in the infantile behavior of men. To do this, we need to trace the life of a “castrated” man from the very beginning. The first woman to appear in a man’s life is his mother. The “mother-son” contact lays down important patterns of behavior for the future man. The main task of the mother is to be “good enough” in relation to the needs of the child. “A sufficiently good mother” accepts all the emotions of the baby, knows how to restrain anger and irritation, can make mistakes, has its own personal life, creates the conditions in which the child develops and acquires the necessary skills for adaptation in the surrounding reality. THREE TYPES OF CASTERING MOTHER 1. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE Woman brings up her son alone. Presenting himself to the child as a fragile vase, the message is: “I am vulnerable, it’s easy to offend me, treat me carefully, do not do things that can upset mom.” In fact – “do only what I consider necessary and right. Everything else is stupid pranks. Love mom and obey her. ” Inside such a message is hidden aggression, but it is presented in a soft wrapper. As they say, softly stretches, but hard to sleep … A boy with such a mother grows up with the installation “a woman is a refined, fragile creature, she needs to create greenhouse conditions.” And to make a fragile vase comfortable with him, he unconsciously suppresses a man in himself. He is afraid to take the initiative, restrains his sexuality. Suppresses its aggressive, masculine sexuality. Therefore, he finds himself a companion in the image enclosed by his mother, a defenseless, little girl. In such couples, women may have vaginismus or a delay in psychosexual development – they have not grown to a mature sexual woman. Men are male identity problems (they feel and behave like little children) and sexual dysfunctions such as anxiety anticipation syndrome of sexual failure. The basis of this syndrome is the fear of castration. 2. ACTIVE-AGGRESSIVE There are both parents, the father is passive, has no voting right. Mother is the head of the family, domineering, with a high level of aggression and anxiety. A woman is completely asexual, like a tank is pushing those around with her will. Or her sexuality is more masculine, which happens when in childhood there was a strong conflict with her mother. In such a situation, the girl chooses to identify her sexuality with her father, because her mother is associated with aggression and danger. What happens to a boy in such a family? THERE ARE TWO OPTIONS FOR DEVELOPING MOTHER-SON RELATIONS: In the first, the mother openly pours hatred on the child, accusing him that “he ruined her life, figure, career,” “it would be better if you were not born” and so on. In order to survive, the psyche of the child follows the path of the Stockholm syndrome – identified with the identity of the rapist – it is easier to justify the behavior of the mother. That is, the boy, growing up, he himself becomes a rapist, a sadist. He takes revenge on all women in his life by recouping his childhood trauma. When such men come to see a psychotherapist (and they unknowingly choose women), the specialist will already have a strong countertransference at the first consultation. Literally, the skin feels the hatred of such customers because they are crammed with the anger of their mothers. In working with them, one has to withstand their strong negative feelings, which they project onto the therapist. In the second version, the boy’s psyche is not identified with the figure of his mother, and then he feels and behaves like a “chronically raped” person. There is no aggression in it, it is blocked. But it was aggression that would help him free himself from his mother’s pathological legacy. A 40-year-old man complained of psychosomatic pain in the stomach. According to the results of multiple examinations, there were no real reasons for the pain. Before contacting a therapist, he was taking medication with a psychiatrist. While drinking drugs, there was no pain, as soon as I reduced the dose, the pain resumed. In the course of work, it turned out that he lives with his mother. There is a woman with whom he spends the weekend and could move to her, but mother is against. It happened so, because it’s convenient for mother that her son is nearby, gives her a salary, helps with housework, spends time with her. Mom herself stated that her son is not a modern person, there is absolutely no aggression in him. After a number of consultations, the man began to talk about his childhood and relations with his mother. About her aggression towards her husband (his father) and the patient himself.