HE. INTIMATE TALK ABOUT THE MOST BODY
HE. An intimate conversation about the very same organ We speak openly about what is hidden, ”the book“ HE. An intimate conversation about that very organ ”- a witty and open dialogue between a sexologist and a journalist on a topic that excites any man and his woman. We publish excerpts from the book. HOW TO MAKE DIVERSITY IN SEXUAL LIFE IN CONSTANT RELATIONS -? Why do people need relationships? Not many types of animals decide on this. – Sometimes, when a difficult couple comes out of the office in a complete crisis, I think this is something incredible – that people are building relationships. Taking into account everything that is written in our heads, as well as our fears, fears, most often vague, relations have every right to not develop. But, however, they add up, apparently, which is why we need them. “Maybe you just need to think less.” – John Kabat-Zinn, one of the gurus of mindfullness, says: “If you wash the dishes, my dishes.” Having sex, have sex, love, and do not think what you need to do in half an hour or who makes any hints. “She looked at the ceiling. What did she mean by that? ” – Thoughts interfere. – However, speaking quite seriously, a revolution in relations is taking place before our eyes. More and more couples who live together without getting married, more and more single people who choose loneliness themselves, more and more divorces. Some say that this is a sign of the times, that general licentiousness reigns now. But I do not agree with this. It used to be to some extent “easier” together, because it was more difficult in financial and housing matters. Now no circumstances are exerting pressure, forcing them to live together. In this regard, people have become somewhat more selective. “But is it so bad?” – Actually, modern relations are “better” because people enter into them as a result of their own choice, and not under duress, as before. However, there is one trap here: the majority believes that the partner should be their clone, think and feel the same. They are looking for someone according to a certain plan, instead of opening up to adventures – that is, to what a second person is. This search option leads to infinity. I call it the effect of the supermarket because the people in Tinder behave like in a large shopping center. – And if we still find the same person? – A growing percentage of couples who after some time burns out sexuality. After two or three years in a relationship, the chemistry in the brain (that is, phenylethylamine, which feeds our brain at the beginning of the relationship and causes “butterflies in the stomach”) fades. This is absolutely natural. We begin to look at the second person more critically, notice his cons and so on. Sometimes at the same moment a transference appears: “Wow, she behaves exactly like my mother!” At this time, we turn on a psychological anti-mixing mechanism that suppresses sexual desire. – No one will have sex with his mother. Enough of Oedipus. – It may be a mother, father, one of the previous partners. It also happens when a person hurt us very much. Most often this happens to be a father. I recently had a situation: the client stopped having sex with a partner. There were no real reasons, but he claimed that she reminds him of a woman with whom he had three relationships (i.e. 10 years) ago. That woman left him, he was injured … However, when we delved into the problem, it turned out that yes, that woman left him, but first of all she reminded him of his mother. And the new partner also looked like a mother. Because the betrayal, which was three relationships back, refreshed the wound, which remained from the feeling that his mother had betrayed him. When the level of phenylethylamine falls in a relationship, doubts naturally arise in us. Sex is not a pleasure that should be put off for an indefinite future. – Those who are in a relationship, but do not have sex, often do not know why this is happening. – Right. A client comes to me and says: I have a great relationship with my wife, we have full contact, except for sexual contact. I am surprised. And only when we start digging, we find the reason. – I see. Just because sex is not in a relationship does not mean that it is not in a relationship. – These infidelities are often the result of helplessness and ruthlessness, but it is easy to become addicted to sex, and a problem appears. Naturally, omitting the situation when the partner finds out about the betrayal and puts the relationship at risk. Many men in response to sexual problems in relationships begin to seek solace in pornography. – And this, as we recall, may end in addiction. – If we are talking about proportions, then among porn addicts 80% of men and 20% of women. A negative revolution was the fact that now every third man in a permanent relationship does not live sexually with his wife regularly or in general. Interesting changes have occurred in the source of the initiative in sex.