“NEW DADDY”: HOW TO SPEAK WITH A TEEN ABOUT SEX AFTER A DIVORCE
Two years ago my husband and I divorced, we talk quite peacefully, he spends time with his son (15 years). But recently, I have got a regular partner with whom we plan to meet. Now we often spend time together, but my son clearly does not like it. And the most unpleasant thing is his jokes regarding my new relationship. Often they have a sexual connotation. On the verge of decency. I understand that sex for him – as for a teenager – is a “sick” topic. And when, instead of my father, another person is next to me, probably especially disturbing. Tell me how to be? Perhaps it makes sense to talk to him? But then in what way? Arina, 36 years old Answers sexologist Yuri Prokopenko: “SEX” AND “PARENTS” MUTUALLY EXCLUDED Everything is pretty simple here. If a teenager becomes interested in the intimate life of his mother (less often – dad, simply because statistically children are more likely to stay with their mother), something very bad happens in this family. Never a mentally healthy, normally growing up, neglected, or deprived of attention teenager will not be interested in the intimate life of his parents. Together or separately is not important. In an adequate family, sex and parents for a teenager are two parallel universes. That’s right, in 13-15 years, boys are very interested in sex. But rather, from their boyish point of view, it’s pretty everyday: where do people get condoms, does Klava’s neighbor have sex. Some are already in love with this age. Some are masturbating. Some in the company have older guys – and they already boast of their exploits. But with all this, whether dad grabs mom by the knee, what happens between them in the bedroom – these questions remain on a different plane. For a mentally healthy child, parents and sex are mutually exclusive concepts. Yes, he knows where he came from. He knows this “stork” very well – until recently, you met every evening together at dinner. But the real realization of what exactly happens between father and mother comes not even with the first sexual experience, but with the acquisition of one’s own regular sex life, meaningful relationships, and the image of oneself in sex. This happens around the age of 25. However, when this awareness comes, it no longer disturbs the soul, since it can only come to an adult. If a teenager without experience, surrounded only by legends and rumors about sex, begins to be interested in the intimate life of his mother, there are good reasons for this – and they are not related to sexual development. The problem clearly lies in the psychological plane, no matter how sexy his jokes were. Steaminess is just a form of protest and expression of one’s pain. In fact, he does not care (or rather, should not care) your real intimate life. SEXUAL SUBTEXT – FORM OF PROTEST It often happens that the child was furious with the situation in the family, he was violently opposed to the divorce of his parents, he was jealous – in this case, his mother – and did not want “someone else’s uncle Vasya” to go to her. But here is the important thing to understand: he can continue to love his father, who is no longer in the family, or he can hate the father, who was kicked out for drinking, – in any case, the mother remains a mother anyway. Her sex with anyone cannot and should not hurt the child, be in his info field, in his head. I would say that the topic of sex is better not to touch in this case. We need to talk about life position in general. For example: “Yes, we used to live with dad, there were a lot of good things, but there were problems. Now we are close to “Uncle Vasya,” he is not Schwarzenegger either, but he is a good person. He takes care of me and you. We need a man in the family. With age, you will understand this. Yes, dad and I do not love each other anymore and finally parted. You can continue to love dad and date him. But I’m a living woman who needs support and protection, and also a man who wants to hug and kiss on the cheek, because we love it very much. ” It is important to talk about emotions. And a healthy teenager, no matter how confused he is about sex, will understand and accept this. SEEK PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS Another thing – if such a conversation does not have an impact. If jokes continue, if snooping begins, attempts to interfere with communication – this will mean that the teenager has serious problems. They can relate to his own, as yet half-intimate life. After all, he begins the first attempts to communicate with girls. Who knows if everything goes smoothly. Perhaps these first failures cause anger, fear and aggression, which unwittingly splashes out on the closest person (as in childhood) – on the mother. Problems may concern relationships with a new person in the family. It is necessary to take a closer look at the relationship of the son and “Uncle Vasya.” Inadequate behavior is based on some kind of complex or disorder, and if it continues, then this complex is supported by something, fueled.