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Why does pain appear after breaking up with a loved one

Why is it painful to part with the person we love?

The pain after parting is natural. And the more your attachment, the more it will manifest itself. Especially if the initiative for parting came from a partner.

Psychologically, this mechanism grows from childhood, when we were small, helpless and completely dependent on someone else’s care. A child up to a certain age is completely dependent on his parents. If the baby loses maternal love, and the mother refuses to feed him milk, he will die. Therefore, for all of us, once, it was critically important to preserve this love.

When the mother for a long time leaves the baby in the room alone – he is in a panic. Since if she does not suddenly return, then he will die of hunger. He is really scared from this. So scary as if you were thrown alone in a boat in the middle of the ocean. Or worse. And by the way, for a baby, there are very real threats to life and health (for example, self-suffocation) if left unattended for a long time. So we really not only came into the world as a result of love, but also survived thanks to it.

And even in adulthood, in every threat of losing love, there is an echo of that fear, and the pain of parting that we sometimes experienced in infancy, when it seemed to us that our parents left us forever, leaving the room for 10 minutes … This is a threat to our survival . Parting with a loved one, as if threatening death. Therefore, when parting, so strong emotions and pain can appear that are incredibly difficult to restrain. Especially acute period of the first 3-7 days.

These sensations literally have a physiological nature. Anxiety, as if we were in mortal danger. I want to run somewhere and do something. To be saved. Or save.

Of course, in this state, the chemistry of love also plays an important role. After all, at each of the stages of the relationship, endogenous narcotic substances are released into the body, similar in effect to drugs. Therefore, after parting, it hurts literally. Because physical withdrawal from a lack of endogenous (excreted by the body) drugs occurs. But physical and psychological withdrawal has a limited duration.

If you understand the origins of this feeling, you can reduce their severity, realizing that this parting will not kill you. That you are not that little man who once depended entirely on someone else’s love. And you can survive and continue to live on, just as it was before. That it is not a threat to your existence. That you, since you were a child, have come a long way. And now you are independent and you can afford to live without experiencing the insurmountable need to depend on someone else’s mercy.

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