LOVE AND LOVE – SIGNS OF DIFFERENCE
Many women do not want to part with the euphoria of love and perceive its loss as a tragedy. Confirmation of this is the conversation of a woman with a therapist.
– You see, earlier, talking to me, he looked at me like that with such tenderness … And now – something grumbles, is silent, annoyed.
– Maybe he gets tired after work?
“Yes, she’s tired, I understand, but before he didn’t get tired when he talked to me, but now …
– Are you waiting for a love relationship? Maybe your relationship went further? And now you can open up, trust each other, show yourself as you are, without embellishment. Passed love. Love has come.
– I don’t know, I want how it was …
The situation is typical, a woman is about 40 years old, but she is demandingly looking for relationships in which her partner is constantly “in love”. Only in this case does she feel loved. To confirm sympathy on the part of a man, she needs convincing evidence in the form of vivid emotions, admiration, and worship.
Many women remain fascinated by “falling in love”. They are not ready for an even calm relationship, mature love, which is the basis of family happiness.
So what is the difference between falling in love and love? And why do some spend their whole lives in search of “falling in love”, avoiding a real and strong feeling of love?
Falling in love is a feeling that helps to “idealize” a person in order to love him at first sight. It’s kind of a little crazy when “blows the head.” In this case, the person in love with is the best man in the world, man or woman, it is impossible to live without him.
Sigmund Freud considered the state of falling in love pathological in essence, calling love falling in love a passion in which a man overestimates a woman he loves. He believed that in a state of love, the “I” of a person “becomes impoverished, it surrenders to the object of worship, a person, as it were, loses himself”.
Sandor Ferenczi compared love with hypnosis. He believed that “… the state of love sometimes gives rise to psychological phenomena resembling hypnosis. Blinded by a passion of love, a man willlessly commits acts that his beloved inspires him, even if these are crimes. ”
But it is love that includes the very ability to idealize, causes erotic desire, which creates the potential for the development of serious relationships, for the development of love. Thanks to falling in love, people establish full-fledged sexual relationships, experience emotional closeness, feel the closeness of their ideals with a partner. Falling in love carries a surge of strength, energy, inspiration. This state removes, smoothes out aggression, makes it serve love.
Love is akin to mania – this is a territory of strong emotions, passions, but it is impossible to stay at such an explosive training ground for a long time. Emotions should take shape in a more constant feeling, which does not prevent a person from being himself, on the contrary, helps to fully express oneself thanks to mutual love.
POWER OF LOVE
The presentation of the famous scientist Otto Kernberg in mature sexual love highlights several important aspects:
sexual arousal, turning into an erotic desire in relation to another person;
tenderness, due to which love prevails over aggression in a relationship; the ability to survive that one and the same person evokes completely opposite feelings at the same time, when at the same time “I love” and “I hate”; it is normal for mature love;
identification with another, that is, identification, likening oneself to another; “I am like you, I am just like you, I also love it and admire it, but you are a man, and I am a woman, and I am deeply empathetic that we are so different”;
a mature form of idealization in relation to a partner – it is impossible to love a person whom you do not respect, whom you do not admire, at least in some aspects, do not value his abilities; but the idealization of the partner is the other side of the obligations towards him; “She is ideal in something, in return I am ideal either in this or in something else”; it is also an obligation to maintain a relationship: what I or we must do to maintain a relationship;
an element of passion in both sexual and object relationships.
Love is a feeling, not an emotion. The duration of this feeling depends on the support of the man and woman. It does not absorb a person, depriving him of his own sense of “I”, on the contrary – it expands the “I” of a person.
Thanks to meeting with others, we often find out what are individual, intrinsic to us only hobbies that were unknown to us. Beloved person helps us to see, recognize and reveal them in all their diversity. Love is where people recognize themselves.