CHANGES IN RELATIONS. 4 UNCERTAIN SIGNS OF CHANGE AND FORGIVENESS
Treason is an unpleasant and, of course, painful topic. We tend to act in two ways. Avoid, do not believe that it is possible, or “work ahead of the curve” – to suspect, follow, jealous.
Often we begin to “wind up” ourselves and see what is not. And so we can provoke treason. And if they already suspect of all sins – you can “go to the left.”
SIGNS OF CHANGE
The partner begins to actively monitor himself. He pays attention to how he is dressed. At some point, it begins to take a closer look at yourself in the mirror. New things appear that you obviously didn’t buy and which he didn’t have before: small gifts, pens, accessories.
A man finds fault with you. Everything used to be normal, but now there are constantly complaints that you have either prepared or done something.
He puts on the phone a password that did not exist before. With an incoming call, he suddenly leaves the room. Or, answering calls in your presence, he says: “I can’t talk, call back later.” And this is repeated from time to time.
The requirements for you are constantly increasing. You begin to feel guilty, as if you are constantly a little “not reaching out” and not completing something.
HOW TO RESPOND TO CHANGE?
First, to observe and understand whether there really is an affair on the side, or whether you invent it for yourself.
Secondly, if the fact of betrayal exists, it is very important to remove the storm of emotions that is raging inside you. And to answer the main question: “Do I want to continue these relations or am I ready to break them?” No one except you will make this decision. And this should be done not from the point of view of emotions – “Ah, what a bastard he is!”, “Now I will kill both!” – but from the point of view of a cold mind.
If emotions go off scale and you are not yet able to make an adequate decision, you can just pause the situation. At least until you can exhale and soberly evaluate what is happening.
If you stay with this person, you have one behavior strategy. If you understand that, apparently, the relationship has become obsolete, that you don’t really want to fight for them, then this is a different strategy. Based on this, we begin to build our behavior.
It’s easy to say “remove emotions”, but how is this even possible if resentment, anger and disappointment go wild?
There is a very effective psychological technique that will help calm down and return to a conscious approach.
A storm plays in us, when we encounter the fact of treason, we learn about it. We react as if treason has occurred right now. And you need to urgently do something.
It is important to realize that you have discovered this story now, but it probably began much earlier. And it has been going on for some time. From what you have learned or not, nothing changes. There’s nowhere to hurry. Think calmly and make an important decision.
If you planned to end the relationship and the fact of betrayal is at your fingertips – then stamp your feet, beat the dishes and proudly go into the night.
But in order to continue the relationship in the future, it is better to take a break and choose a different behavior strategy. If your man is in a state of choice between you and “that woman”, then your screams, “brain removal” and tantrums can play against you.
HOW TO LIVE NOW WITH THIS?
After making a decision to continue the relationship, the following question arises, which is very important: “How to continue to live with this?”
When we discover treason, we have two big grievances (although it seems to us that there is one grudge).
The first is pain and frustration with a partner. We are well aware of it and understand that it requires study.
And the second offense is often not realized by us at all and it remains to destroy us from the inside. This is an insult and a claim to myself: “Why didn’t I cope?”, “How could I not have noticed this before ?!”, “So, I’m such a woman that they cheat on me!” And it’s even difficult to say which burden of emotions is harder: in relation to your spouse or in relation to yourself, that you did not manage.
DO I NEED FORGIVENESS?
Of course, you need it anyway. And here it is important to understand the difference: to forgive treason is to neutralize a time bomb inside of you. And this is absolutely important in any case.
But forgiveness does not oblige you to put up with similar situations in the future. Having forgiven, you can either create relationships according to the new rules, or leave them, saving yourself.
1. Realize why you needed this situation. What good is it for you, your development, your life. Perhaps at first it seems that there can be no benefit. Do not rush to conclusions and evaluate the situation precisely from this point of view. Assume that there is a certain scenario that can benefit you.
2. Stop “killing the messenger.” This man at some point in your life played a role. And that was a lesson for you. Now this is your new experience that you can use.
3. Realize from the point of view of the lesson for the future and, of course, without blaming yourself, the current situation. In a relationship, responsibility is distributed 50 to 50. Behavior of a partner is 50 percent.