EMOTIONAL INCIDENTITY OR FRIENDSHIP?
Over the past decades, a new type of “infidelity” has become increasingly common – emotional attachment, which is increasingly becoming a threat to marriage. One of the most common places for developing such a relationship is work. In terms of popularity and accessibility, it is perhaps only the Internet that surpasses it. Relationships without sex can be just as much, and sometimes even more intense, than those in which there is a place of intimacy. Not surprisingly, in most cases, according to Dr. Shirley Glass, author of Not Only Friends, the dynamics of platonic ties sooner or later lead the couple to sex. THIS IS REALLY A PROBLEM In order to better understand how strong the experience of emotional infidelity can be, we can draw an analogy with the development of any addiction. It is easier to work out and release the toxic pattern if you depersonalize the experienced experience. It’s not about how special this person is or what feelings he evokes in you. The point is neurochemical substances, which are activated when you think and behave in a certain way, it is they who keep you in a destructive model. It is no coincidence that people with alcohol and other addictions tend to engage in toxic relationships more often. Seeing a problem as a dependency will help you turn to proven methods to identify and get rid of toxic patterns. IS ADDICTIVE Addiction to an activity, a person or a substance introduces a person’s brain and body into an intoxicating trance. On the one hand, it does not allow one to think clearly and make an informed choice, and on the other hand, he “rewards” for toxic behavior by the release of certain chemicals that provide quick pleasure. Let it be temporary, but the pleasure of reducing or dulling pain, shame or guilt. This allows you to distance yourself from taking responsibility for solving real difficulties in life and in a problem marriage. Craig Nakken, the author of the book “A Person Addicted to Addiction,” gives the following definition of dependence: “The pathological relationship of love and trust with an object (person) or event … an uncontrolled and aimless search for integrity, happiness, and peace through relationships with an object or event.” Not surprisingly, so many people who are depressed or addicted to alcohol are in a toxic relationship. WARNING SIGNS 12 warning signs that you should take action to protect yourself and your relationship from “emotional infidelity.” 1. You think and say that you are “just friends” with a member of the opposite sex. You thought and said more than once about someone: “we are just friends.” Think again if this is the opposite sex. You are entering a dangerous path, and such words can be a threat to your marriage. This rationale allows you to justify something or, more simply, lie (to yourself and others). About something that you suspect is actually not very correct. No matter how popular the idea of friendship with the opposite sex is on television and on the Internet. The risk lies in the fact that in friendly relations is not only welcomed, but unconditional trust is also implied. So why, being married, does the idea of emotional intimacy with a representative of the opposite sex seem so interesting and attractive to you? 2. You trust such a friend very much and share very personal problems with him. The exchange of thoughts and deepest anxieties, hopes and fears, desires and problems – this is what deepens intimacy. This creates an emotional bond between two people, which is much more appropriate between spouses. Sharing this with another person, whatever you call it, is infidelity and betrayal of trust. This is all the more true when one considers that emotional intimacy is the strongest connection in human relationships, much stronger than sexual. 3. You discuss your marriage problems and complain about a partner. Talking with a person of the opposite sex about what is wrong with your marriage, partner, or what you lack for complete happiness, makes it clear that you are available for love and caring for your needs. And this is also a betrayal. Such revelations, like gossip, create a false sense of a common connection and the illusion that you, your happiness, your comfort and needs can be fully appreciated only by “just a friend”. Despite the fact that, frankly, there is no evidence for this. 4. You are comparing mentally or aloud your partner and friend. Another dangerous sign is reflection, which increasingly leads to conclusions about how “positive” and “right” your friend is. And discover only the “negative” and “unsatisfactory” in the partner. More and more in your thoughts you are “for” a friend and “against” a spouse. You literally create a “bad” image of your partner with your own hands, undermine your connection, develop unwanted painful reactions to your loved one, transferring everything “good” to a friend.