TALES ABOUT HAPPY MARRIAGE. Three misconceptions that prevent us from living
“There is nothing bad or good in this world. There is only our attitude to anything. ” Shakespeare has noticed an important point, which is one of the fundamental in the cognitive approach: the perception of any object or event is evaluated with the help of thinking. Our ideas, what we believe, what we think, is our reality. Some of the misconceptions that we learned from our parents, through social interaction, through literature and cinema, can seriously harm our relationship. And here we just need a critical reflection. Myths about marriage are many. We can easily find in ourselves one or another dysfunctional installation. It may be the belief that truly happy families do not have to work on relationships. Or the fantasy that a truly loving person himself, without explanation, should know what his partner feels and wants. Another fairly common option – “in a happy marriage I would not have to adapt, and if I have to make concessions every now and then, then everything is not as good as I deserve.” MYTH # 1: IN A HAPPY MARRIAGE, DO NOT NEED TO WORK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS Everything starts in childhood, when we perceive everything that brings us the world around us as it is, without critical reflection. We listen, and then read the fairy tales themselves, in which the heroes’ happy acquisition of each other ends in a wedding. It is as if the main trials, difficulties, problems are expected only on the way to marriage, and after that comes such complete happiness that there is nothing more to tell. Fiction, romantic films with happy endings as we grow up only affirm us in the installation that troubles, problems come from outside and it is worthwhile to overcome them – an absolute idyll will come. Therefore, many people have unrealistic hopes for marriage. They suggest that once created, the union will function perfectly on its own, without any additional input from partners. Focusing on the daily chores, they bravely battle the hardships that life brings. And for example, car maintenance or house cleaning becomes more important than maintaining close relationships. It would seem, obviously, that people are more complex than machines. In addition to the physical body, we have feelings, thoughts, hopes and dreams. When the two decide to join in a couple, their unusually complex inner worlds form a common, even more complex … The decision of two people to be together is not an end goal, but an endless process, a choice that we make every day. The stamp in the passport does not cement the relationship at the time of marriage. Unfortunately, romance will not continue after the wedding automatically. Take the time and energy to maintain and develop your relationship after the wedding, so you can continue to enjoy love, intimacy and passion, now and in the future. To do this, each of you will have to make an informed decision every day to create and maintain a full-fledged marriage that will last the rest of your life. MYTH # 2: A PARTNER SHOULD WITHOUT EXPLANATIONS TO KNOW WHAT I FEEL AND WHAT I WANT “He must know what I want. If I tell him myself, it’s not at all, ”Olga thinks of her husband. She believes that he should feel when she wants to be together, talk, hug, and when it is better to leave her alone. He must guess what gift she wants to receive for her birthday. He should know what excites her sexually. She wonders how he can be so inattentive, but does not say a word. In fact, the only people who can satisfy their needs without saying a word are babies. A parent learns to read the prompts of his child, to read the signals “I’m hungry”, “I’m tired” or “I’m uncomfortable, it’s time to change the diaper”. An attentive person understands what body movements and facial expressions of a child say “I am afraid”, “I am happy” and “I want this.” People who can read minds live in fairy tales and romantic films. Only there, the lovers guess without further ado, which kiss is most pleasant, what kind of affection will be appropriate, what words and actions are needed right now. Does this happen in real life? Very, very rare. Even in the best marriages. Of course, loving and caring partners are quite finely tuned to each other, but do not expect miracles. Even the most attentive and intuitive spouse does not know how to read thoughts. Unfortunately, you also do not have such superpowers. The best way to help your partner understand you is to say clearly what is on your mind, kindly and respectfully. It is difficult to allow yourself to openly and delicately talk about your desires and needs, especially if you had to hide them from “significant adults” as a child. However, relations in which one can speak openly and sincerely about everything are much more resourceful and harmonious. It’s never too late to catch up; therapy can help you with this. By practicing positive communication skills, you will feel more and more comfortable.