“LITTLE DEATH”. WHAT IS DEPENDENCE
Parting is a painful experience. We are embraced by mixed feelings: sadness, fear, helplessness and even anger. Grieving for a loss of relationship is perfectly normal. Over time, relief comes, we are recovering and are ready to open a new page. But some people seem to be “stuck” in a relationship. The “stuck” frantically try to maintain a relationship or refuse to accept the gap. It can be difficult for them to move on, even if before the break they were unhappy and suffered. According to the famous psychologist Polina Gaverdovskaya, “co-dependence is when we feel bad in relationships, but we still remain in them.” People prone to co-dependent relationships are practically unable to confront toxic partners. They often remain in dysfunctional relationships in which there is no hope of satisfying their needs for love and support, even when experiencing emotional or physical pain. In addition, co-dependents are very characterized by a desire to change their partner, the hope that behavior and feelings of a loved one can be influenced. They do not give up and do not agree to admit that the relationship is falling apart. And they are very afraid to be alone. Are you prone to co-dependence? Here are some signs that you may be a co-dependent person: If you are in danger of breaking up, you fall into despair or panic, as if something unbearable is happening. Time after time you justify your partner, reconcile yourself in a relationship with something that you think is wrong and with which you don’t agree at heart. It seems to you that the relationship will fall apart if you do not make significant efforts. You control your emotions most of the time. Feel some doom, as if you were “stuck” in a relationship. You believe that if the partner changes, your relationship will be perfect. You put the needs, interests, ideas, thoughts of a partner above your own. After the break: you continue to write, call, contact the former partner. Gather information about the former in social networks, ask common friends. Continue to painfully jealous of the former. Constantly return thoughts to your former partner, worry about him / her. You try to analyze the failed relationship as best as possible, think over what and how to do it differently. Returning to these thoughts over and over again. Imagine how you will be together again, or think only about the good aspects of your past relationships. Intentionally you get into difficult situations to attract the attention of a former partner. You can’t refuse when a former calls on you. Choose to agree, and not follow your plans. Why is it so difficult for co-dependents to break off relationships in which they are obviously ill? Why can’t they survive the breakup for so long with a partner who was clearly not able to satisfy their needs? The breakup literally opens the “Pandora’s box” and causes a whole range of intractable sensations. Being co-dependent, after the break, we can experience shame, loneliness, rejection, inferiority, and worthlessness. Self-esteem, self-confidence as an attractive, interesting person suffers. We may be tormented by memories of how we were rejected and rejected in the past. To this is added a strong fear of not finding another partner and staying alone forever. Co-dependent patterns affect our desire to hold on to relationships at all costs, even if they are dysfunctional and the partner is toxic. PLEASURE EVERYONE Trying to please everyone, we often lose ourselves. As a result, we forget ourselves who we really are, adjusting to the tastes and demands of others. Having acquired a relationship, the co-dependent seems to be building his personality from the “cubes” of a loved one in order to best meet his expectations. There is a neglect of their hobbies, goals, friends and focus on what is important to the partner. As a result, it is difficult for a person to feel whole in loneliness. When the relationship ends (or everything goes to that), he literally disappears the meaning of life. It is as if he is losing a part of himself and has no idea what to do next. NOTHING ARE SORRY The self-esteem of a co-dependent person, as a rule, is based on a sense of need and importance. Caring for others and serving loved ones becomes something meaningful, supportive. That is why in a relationship the needs of the partner are put above their own, and after the separation, any request from the former is so readily fulfilled. The fact that someone needs you and you can be useful gives a feeling of satisfaction. The sense of worthlessness, on the contrary, undermines self-esteem and causes painful experiences.