Rejected. HOW TO RESIST A FAILURE
Each of us at least once in our life has experienced a painful experience of rejection. For example, you did not receive the coveted job or you were not invited to a friendly party. Or maybe a new friend suddenly stopped answering calls. Satisfying many of our desires and needs depends on other people and their willingness to help us. Sooner or later, we all face failures, sometimes we are excluded, others do not accept or disapprove of us. An extremely unpleasant experience of rejection signals that something important, necessary for us, cannot be received. At such moments, we can experience a whole cocktail of emotions – shame, guilt, sadness, anger, anger, disappointment, despair, helplessness. No matter how hard we try, we won’t be able to completely avoid failures and the excruciating experiences associated with them. Fortunately, we can learn to deal with this and not take what is happening so close to the heart. CHILDREN FROM CHILDHOOD What we experience when faced with denial of adulthood depends in many respects on our past experience, on our beliefs, and attitudes that have shaped our entire conscious lives. In the end, often rejection is not at all equal to rejection and in itself does not say anything about our value, importance in general. The addressee of the request may simply not have what we want or may be in shortage of resources – time, health, strength, money. A sharp reaction to any failure can serve as a reason to think that it is every time that unsettles you like that. Before you begin to learn new approaches and techniques for dealing with current experiences, it is useful to investigate your personal history of rejection. Do not the attitudes developed in childhood influence how you perceive failure now? Try to remember if you had to deal with something similar in childhood and adolescence: you were teased, you were the victim of bullying, bullying at school. You were ashamed for letting the team down, even though you tried very hard. You were not accepted into the company. You had no one to take a break with, lunch break or go home after class. You got a boycott. You have always been called last in the game. Master, for all of you, shamed you for your poor preparation for the lesson. You did not enter the selected college, institute, university. You were deceived, betrayed by a friend, girlfriend. You were thrown, you were cheated. A friend preferred another company and left you. Family problems can also have a critical impact on how you deal with rejections in adulthood: you have been criticized, called names, said that you are not good enough. The family used physical violence. You were left for a long time alone at home or outside. You are a pupil of an orphanage or you know that you are an adopted child. Even if the foster family is loving and supportive. Your parents did not share your interests and did not support you in your hobbies. For example, you didn’t come to performances, competitions, awards ceremonies, etc. Parents ignored you. Deprecated your feelings, thoughts, beliefs. Parents showed more attention, care, love for your brother / sister. You were sent to live with relatives or threatened with this, calling you a “problem”, difficult child. They emphasized that you did not have abilities and talent, forced you to abandon your hobbies and dreams because of this. Disapproved of your sexual orientation or gender identity. The more often such episodes of rejection happened and the younger you were upon encountering them, the greater the impact it had on you. In childhood, self-esteem and self-image are only formed, and negative assessments from significant adults lead to devastating consequences. “My eyes didn’t see you”, “why do I have such a burden”, “that you misunderstood like a girl, boys don’t cry”, “everyone has normal children, you’re one unfinished one”, “look at yourself, scarecrow” , “Spineless”, “mediocrity.” Due to the fact that in childhood we do not have enough critical thinking skills and very little life experience, such messages can be accepted on faith unconditionally. Sometimes words are not required for this. Cold, ignoring, overly strict, distant, unemotional parents with their behavior can contribute to the formation of a distorted self-image in a child. On the whole, he begins to perceive himself as unworthy of attention, love, care, someone completely inadequate, inappropriate. And carries this idea of himself through life. Repeatedly encountering rejection in childhood, we unconsciously assimilate the belief that the reasons for refusal are in ourselves, since we are sincerely convinced that they are not worthy of another treatment. Each subsequent failure even more confirms us in this. And we, with fear and doom, are waiting for a repetition in the future. So false beliefs inevitably become a self-fulfilling prophecy.